When does the emotional roller coaster end? Or does it always take you for a ride, because I really want to get off.
It has been just over two weeks since I found the whore in my bed, and I am stuck in that moment. I invasion his face, her face, her body, my bed, my house, my life being torn away with one reckless night of only God knows what. Because he won’t admit to shit, but a naked pussy in my bed doesn’t need too much explaining…
I am sick, I feel sick.
My heart is shattered, I don’t think it will ever be the same. I know it won’t, I guess a tiny piece of me just hopes it will be.
I am so conflicted about how I feel or what I want. One minute I want my husband so badly I swear I could forgive everything and ignore the elephant in the room and move on. But then BAM BAM BAM!!! I swear, someone hits me, I can’t breathe, I can’t see, I can’t move. I am absolutely paralyzed by his actions. HIS affair, his decision to tell me in so many ways that I just wasn’t good enough. And THEN, I HATE HIM. God, I hate him. It scares me that for the first time in 7 years I think I could walk away from him and never look back. and I mean NEVER. I don’t know if I want him…
But then I see his gorgeous blue eyes, the eyes I fell in love with. The eyes I looked into the night we made our son, the eyes I looked into the day we married, the eyes I’ve looked into every day for the best years of my life and I am stuck.
I am not alone, but I am lonely. I am sad most of the day, I seem happy and I guess in ways I am. But, my happiness is short lived, I sink back into my hole. If I could, I would crawl into bed and lay there all day… just for a day…
Sometimes I want to scream and sob. I need a moment to just sob, because I haven’t had that moment. I either have my son or I have my parents. I have no alone time to just lie in my misery and release it. I need to release it…
The gym is a stress release, but I don’t think it feels as good as going crazy for a few minutes. The gym allows me an hour or two of clear thinking. I get to focus on my body, my strength, my abilities to control what is in front of me… BUt, I crave the ability to just thrash around and act like a suffering animal for a moment… I know it sounds so strange, but I do… I want to feel the pain, I need to feel the pain. I don’t let myself dive into it. I keep it as far away as possible and hour by hour it slowly slips into my day and becomes completely consuming. By bedtime I am exhausted from attempting to hold it back. I just want to sleep the pain away. But my dreams have decide to bully me into a world I don’t want to be. I see his lips touch her body and I am startled awake.. Sweating, crying, shaking, all before 7am.
Am I crazy for feeling this way? I feel so vulnerable, I have lost my life… I really loved my life.
Chris was my best friend, my soulmate. I trusted him with my world and he didn’t take care of it or me. He is the only man I have given myself to, mentally, emotionally and physically. He is the only lover, the only love, the only. My one and only…
Your not crazy, your hurt! Not that the two are entirely separable. I feel for you….
I have been through this. Ugh it sucks. I spent thousands on therapy and then realized…Happiness has to be within ME. Hang in there. THINGS WILL CHANGE. Contact me if ya need. I’ve been through it all….The problem is within them not you.
Thank you for your support
Thank you
Hi there, I have just found your blog. Sounds like you are going through a rough time. Keep focused and do things for YOU. The more you love yourself (I know it sounds corny) the better you will feel in general. I hope things get better for you
“his decision to tell me in so many ways that I just wasn’t good enough”
Don’t ever believe that it was that you weren’t ‘good enough’. An affair is a selfish act and has nothing to do with you. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused it. Be gentle to yourself, in time you will heal. Let the hurt, the sadness, the rage do what they will. Those feelings are all part of this.
Thank you
I’m so sad for you, Sam
Ugh, I’m so sorry what Chris is putting you through…but you WILL make it through all this, even if it takes a while!! The girls are right though, you didn’t do anything for him to make such poor decisions. This was all Chris, and don’t believe for a second that you aren’t good enough…in fact you’re TOO good for him! He doesn’t deserve you. And you don’t deserve to be treated the way he’s been treating you.
Thanks, Sara. I know, it’s just tough